Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 193   Season: Winter   
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Namerik Stables
04:38:54 Rose
or a tuxedo cat i had one and he was an absolute menace I guess that's why my mum changed his name to Denece or Denny for short
Honey
04:38:29 
Never mind, forgot that I clicked "unbred" so I guess that was why? LOL
Honey
04:37:39 
Gee the WB market is crazy, I snagged two EEE girls for 1,040 ebs each, next after them was 100k :0
Ellsworths Eden
04:34:20 
Sounds about orange? Lol.
Namerik Stables
01:27:28 Rose
what type of cat is he?
Transformers Acres
01:12:07 Geek, Eek
My cat keeps rubbing against me, hog my fan and unplugged my damn charger. Not sure if I should be annoyed at him, or find him adorable.
Black Meadow Estate
01:11:00 Meadow
So now I guess im gonna try to breed up Apricots? Studs are gonna be brutal to find
Gypsy Family Farm
01:10:02 
She's really pretty!
Black Meadow Estate
01:08:48 Meadow
-HEE Click-
So I did a thing
Gypsy Family Farm
12:54:34 
Oh thank Gods we had this conversation bc I almost forgot to pay my riders and I really would have cried.
Gypsy Family Farm
12:52:57 
I have been really struggling with it, to the point where I was so frustrated I thought about quitting the game.
Fantasy Horses
12:51:36 Fantasy | Fanta
Gypsy
Ooh, congrats!!!
Gypsy Family Farm
12:50:59 
YOU GUYS. For the first time in like a RL YEAR I have managed to get a horse into the World Games. I almost cried.
Fantasy Horses
12:47:55 Fantasy | Fanta
Green
I'd love to see it once it's done!!
Greenheart Stables
12:44:07 Green|Gren|Grenlin
@Fantasy
It will 🤤
Fantasy Horses
12:42:01 Fantasy | Fanta
Green
Oooh that's gonna be a good piece of art!
Greenheart Stables
12:40:35 Green|Gren|Grenlin
@Fantasy
Its all gonna be gone if the artist I PM accepts a commission request 😭
Fantasy Horses
12:39:21 Fantasy | Fanta
Green
Oh nice! Glad you got what you wanted!
Fantasy Horses
12:39:03 Fantasy | Fanta
You had 35 horses compete in reg. shows earning 38341.
Yasss that's a total profit of 18k!
Greenheart Stables
12:29:22 Green|Gren|Grenlin
Aug 26, 2025 00:17:52 You had 625 horses compete in reg. shows earning 1207431.
🥹 thank you for saving me

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than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.



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Namerik Stables
04:38:54 Rose
or a tuxedo cat i had one and he was an absolute menace I guess that's why my mum changed his name to Denece or Denny for short
Honey
04:38:29 
Never mind, forgot that I clicked "unbred" so I guess that was why? LOL
Honey
04:37:39 
Gee the WB market is crazy, I snagged two EEE girls for 1,040 ebs each, next after them was 100k :0
Ellsworths Eden
04:34:20 
Sounds about orange? Lol.
Namerik Stables
01:27:28 Rose
what type of cat is he?
Transformers Acres
01:12:07 Geek, Eek
My cat keeps rubbing against me, hog my fan and unplugged my damn charger. Not sure if I should be annoyed at him, or find him adorable.
Black Meadow Estate
01:11:00 Meadow
So now I guess im gonna try to breed up Apricots? Studs are gonna be brutal to find
Gypsy Family Farm
01:10:02 
She's really pretty!
Black Meadow Estate
01:08:48 Meadow
-HEE Click-
So I did a thing
Gypsy Family Farm
12:54:34 
Oh thank Gods we had this conversation bc I almost forgot to pay my riders and I really would have cried.
Gypsy Family Farm
12:52:57 
I have been really struggling with it, to the point where I was so frustrated I thought about quitting the game.
Fantasy Horses
12:51:36 Fantasy | Fanta
Gypsy
Ooh, congrats!!!
Gypsy Family Farm
12:50:59 
YOU GUYS. For the first time in like a RL YEAR I have managed to get a horse into the World Games. I almost cried.
Fantasy Horses
12:47:55 Fantasy | Fanta
Green
I'd love to see it once it's done!!
Greenheart Stables
12:44:07 Green|Gren|Grenlin
@Fantasy
It will 🤤
Fantasy Horses
12:42:01 Fantasy | Fanta
Green
Oooh that's gonna be a good piece of art!
Greenheart Stables
12:40:35 Green|Gren|Grenlin
@Fantasy
Its all gonna be gone if the artist I PM accepts a commission request 😭
Fantasy Horses
12:39:21 Fantasy | Fanta
Green
Oh nice! Glad you got what you wanted!
Fantasy Horses
12:39:03 Fantasy | Fanta
You had 35 horses compete in reg. shows earning 38341.
Yasss that's a total profit of 18k!
Greenheart Stables
12:29:22 Green|Gren|Grenlin
Aug 26, 2025 00:17:52 You had 625 horses compete in reg. shows earning 1207431.
🥹 thank you for saving me

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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Im Letting HEE Be My Editors! :D February 24, 2021 02:54 PM


Kingfisher Cove
 
Posts: 874
#857199
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I love what you have written so far! You have a good introduction that pulls the reader into the story. You are also giving us lots of good description about Freight. "He peered through the bars, eyes as sweet as melted chocolate" and "He had that shine like flecking of gold in a muddy creek bed." You did an excellent job describing barrel racing with phrases like, "She had grown encapsulated by the way riders moved with their horses and dodged the barrels, spitting mud and sand behind them as they leaped out of the turn."

I only have two suggests for you:

First, Audrey's father, Richard, is willing to do whatever it takes to help his daughter achieve her goal of becoming a barrel racer, but in the first chapter we don't see much dialogue from him. This lead me to think he was disinterested in his daughter and her goals. Add some more dialogue between the father and daughter so we can get a better feel for their relationship.

Secondly, I noticed you used some horse related vocabulary that I was not familiar with. What is a digital pulse? What is a Galvyne's groove? Horse stories are a great way to introduce and explain horse related vocabulary to those of us who are not familiar with their care and upkeep.


Edited at February 24, 2021 02:54 PM by Silver Isle Eventing
Im Letting HEE Be My Editors! :D February 24, 2021 04:30 PM


CC Knabbstruppers
 
Posts: 926
#857241
Give Award

Silver Isle Eventing said:

I love what you have written so far! You have a good introduction that pulls the reader into the story. You are also giving us lots of good description about Freight. "He peered through the bars, eyes as sweet as melted chocolate" and "He had that shine like flecking of gold in a muddy creek bed." You did an excellent job describing barrel racing with phrases like, "She had grown encapsulated by the way riders moved with their horses and dodged the barrels, spitting mud and sand behind them as they leaped out of the turn."

I only have two suggests for you:

First, Audrey's father, Richard, is willing to do whatever it takes to help his daughter achieve her goal of becoming a barrel racer, but in the first chapter we don't see much dialogue from him. This lead me to think he was disinterested in his daughter and her goals. Add some more dialogue between the father and daughter so we can get a better feel for their relationship.

Secondly, I noticed you used some horse related vocabulary that I was not familiar with. What is a digital pulse? What is a Galvyne's groove? Horse stories are a great way to introduce and explain horse related vocabulary to those of us who are not familiar with their care and upkeep.



Thank you! I'm kind of introducing more info on the characters in this second chapter I've started, but I will definitely go back and add more details to the horse vocab. I hadn't even thought about it 😂
Im Letting HEE Be My Editors! :D February 24, 2021 07:42 PM


The Lady of Fangorn
 
Posts: 2857
#857318
Give Award
I read through the first chapter and enjoyed it. You've got a solid writing style and damn good grammar, which is a pet peeve of mine.
A couple suggestions~
I think I already saw someone suggest this, but making Richard less standoffish, especially at the auction, would make me feel like he's supportive of his daughter's barrel racing career. He seems slightly condescending about Freight when they're looking at him, and that makes him seem a little cold.
You have a nice handle on your descriptions! I like how you give care to every detail, mapping out the scene. However, sometimes you can leave out comparisons like "...hips weren't jutting out like shark fins." It's a good description, but sometimes less is more. I got stuck on that description trying to create that image in my head, and that interrupted the flow of the story a little.
I also saw this, but I'll say it too- you might consider adding subtle explanations of the pure horse jargon like the Galvane's groove and digital pulse.
Some of the dialogue where you phonetically spell the words to give it a more natural feel is excellent. To make sure your dialogue has a natural beat, try reading it out loud and imagine yourself to be the character who's speaking.
Overall I enjoyed it! Great job. Feel free to hmu if you have questions about anything I said <3
Im Letting HEE Be My Editors! :D February 24, 2021 08:38 PM


CC Knabbstruppers
 
Posts: 926
#857336
Give Award

The Lady of Fangorn said:
I read through the first chapter and enjoyed it. You've got a solid writing style and damn good grammar, which is a pet peeve of mine.
A couple suggestions~
I think I already saw someone suggest this, but making Richard less standoffish, especially at the auction, would make me feel like he's supportive of his daughter's barrel racing career. He seems slightly condescending about Freight when they're looking at him, and that makes him seem a little cold.
You have a nice handle on your descriptions! I like how you give care to every detail, mapping out the scene. However, sometimes you can leave out comparisons like "...hips weren't jutting out like shark fins." It's a good description, but sometimes less is more. I got stuck on that description trying to create that image in my head, and that interrupted the flow of the story a little.
I also saw this, but I'll say it too- you might consider adding subtle explanations of the pure horse jargon like the Galvane's groove and digital pulse.
Some of the dialogue where you phonetically spell the words to give it a more natural feel is excellent. To make sure your dialogue has a natural beat, try reading it out loud and imagine yourself to be the character who's speaking.
Overall I enjoyed it! Great job. Feel free to hmu if you have questions about anything I said <3


Thank you so much! I'll definitely take the descirption into consideration. I was definitely wondering about the shark hip thing, I thought it was odd, but....I find it nice to have a second opinion! ^^ Thank you again! :D

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