I love what you have written so far! You have a good introduction that pulls the reader into the story. You are also giving us lots of good description about Freight. "He peered through the bars, eyes as sweet as melted chocolate" and "He had that shine like flecking of gold in a muddy creek bed." You did an excellent job describing barrel racing with phrases like, "She had grown encapsulated by the way riders moved with their horses and dodged the barrels, spitting mud and sand behind them as they leaped out of the turn."

I only have two suggests for you:

First, Audrey's father, Richard, is willing to do whatever it takes to help his daughter achieve her goal of becoming a barrel racer, but in the first chapter we don't see much dialogue from him. This lead me to think he was disinterested in his daughter and her goals. Add some more dialogue between the father and daughter so we can get a better feel for their relationship.

Secondly, I noticed you used some horse related vocabulary that I was not familiar with. What is a digital pulse? What is a Galvyne's groove? Horse stories are a great way to introduce and explain horse related vocabulary to those of us who are not familiar with their care and upkeep.

Silver Isle Eventing said:

I love what you have written so far! You have a good introduction that pulls the reader into the story. You are also giving us lots of good description about Freight. "He peered through the bars, eyes as sweet as melted chocolate" and "He had that shine like flecking of gold in a muddy creek bed." You did an excellent job describing barrel racing with phrases like, "She had grown encapsulated by the way riders moved with their horses and dodged the barrels, spitting mud and sand behind them as they leaped out of the turn."

I only have two suggests for you:

First, Audrey's father, Richard, is willing to do whatever it takes to help his daughter achieve her goal of becoming a barrel racer, but in the first chapter we don't see much dialogue from him. This lead me to think he was disinterested in his daughter and her goals. Add some more dialogue between the father and daughter so we can get a better feel for their relationship.

Secondly, I noticed you used some horse related vocabulary that I was not familiar with. What is a digital pulse? What is a Galvyne's groove? Horse stories are a great way to introduce and explain horse related vocabulary to those of us who are not familiar with their care and upkeep.

The Lady of Fangorn said:

I read through the first chapter and enjoyed it. You've got a solid writing style and damn good grammar, which is a pet peeve of mine.

A couple suggestions~

I think I already saw someone suggest this, but making Richard less standoffish, especially at the auction, would make me feel like he's supportive of his daughter's barrel racing career. He seems slightly condescending about Freight when they're looking at him, and that makes him seem a little cold.

You have a nice handle on your descriptions! I like how you give care to every detail, mapping out the scene. However, sometimes you can leave out comparisons like "...hips weren't jutting out like shark fins." It's a good description, but sometimes less is more. I got stuck on that description trying to create that image in my head, and that interrupted the flow of the story a little.

I also saw this, but I'll say it too- you might consider adding subtle explanations of the pure horse jargon like the Galvane's groove and digital pulse.

Some of the dialogue where you phonetically spell the words to give it a more natural feel is excellent. To make sure your dialogue has a natural beat, try reading it out loud and imagine yourself to be the character who's speaking.

Overall I enjoyed it! Great job. Feel free to hmu if you have questions about anything I said <3