I started to feel like I wasn't good enough for anything about a week ago and I was afraid to tell anyone. My depression slowly creeping back into my life...before you say anything, no I'm not looking for attention, no I don't want to speak to a therapist, and no I'm not faking about how I really feel deep down...

I've never saw myself opening up to people face to face but when I'm around an animal, I start to feel accepted for once. Yes I have a loving family and yes I know that they will love & accept me for who I am but...I'm still haunted by the past until my aunt got me to open up more to her. I've opened up to her about the pain, the bullying, the harassment, the hits that I would get for no reason from other people from high school, and the close calls of my stupid decisions of almost losing my virginity that could've gotten me pregnant at 16 or 18 years old...

I had to burn bridges of people that have hurt me and used me...but the painful memories still haunt me til this day and I can still feel it everytime I close my eyes to fall asleep, hearing the voices telling me that "Your worth nothing" "You'll never amount up to anything!" "You'll never be good enough" "No wonder your dad left you because your a mistake!" "No one would love you because of how ugly you are"

My aunt would notice that everytime I'm around an animal, my eyes would light up and it was like I was a completely different person even with my baby girl (she's a calico cat) she makes everything feel okay, she's basically a best friend that I have grown up with and I would do anything for her but the fear of losing her....would honestly break me, even if it means putting her down so she couldn't be in pain anymore and as much as I would love to get back into riding and having my own horses... I'm afraid of living through the pain again from the past..

Anyways, I've finally got what I wanted out of my chest for a long time...thank you for reading & understanding this..