Horse Eden : What to Call It?

Okay, so I recently started this journey. Not a full book because it's on Wattpad, yet still quite time consuming. I'd love opinions on this little intro/teaser and if people like it, I'll try to continue it.

If it's not allowed, please let me know, but to read the chapters before I post them here feel free to ask me for my Wattpad username :) (Sorry if saying that isn't allowed).

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- The large hallways, with their empty stretches of pale marble, dull golds, and boring paintings, echoes the girl's steps loudly.

- A worried voice sounds from a far off hall. A quiet giggle resounds, breaking the silence. The girl shoves back her long dark brown hair, silver eyes shining, as a noise draws her attention to the window.

- Gossamer-like curtains sway gently in place, as if flowing in from the open window. The child giggles and runs over, her small hand grazing the fabric. Her smile gleams eagerly, and gathering some courage, she sticks her head out to view the quiet village below her.

- Red-topped houses of all sizes are nestled comfortably in the nook of green hills. People mill about, running errands and working. Shouting, no doubt people selling their wares and other merchandise, reach the girl's delicate ears.

- A crash breaks the peace, and the girl spins quickly, hair fanning behind her like a dark halo. Before her, shards of colored glass lay reflecting the afternoon light on the plain walls.

- In awe, the girl grins, spinning around the room, dancing gracefully across the floor. The color was enchanting. Naturally beautiful, unlike the sharp colors worn by the perfectly groomed court men and woman the girl was forced to be surrounded with.

- A voice has the girl stopping in her silent waltz, and turning to face a young man. He seemed to be around her guard's age, but was no doubt more mature. He held an air of power, of authority that demanded to be bowed to, but she looked passed that. His silver-white hair was long, and he resembled a warrior from the Western plains with his sun-kissed skin, shining amber eyes, and long hair tied back in a complex braid. His entire look, from the warrior-themed face to the leather he wore screamed 'Dangerous,' and a feeling of immortal attitude flowed off of him.

- His grin was cold, and sent chills along the girl's spine, "My, aren't you far from your mother." He bends down, the sound of leather and worn cloak grinding together harshly against her ears.

- After a few moments, despite her hesitations about the strange man, her small, shy voice rang out, "Would you like to dance with me?" The man looked taken aback, or shocked, she couldn't tell. Hesitantly he nods, grabbing the girl's hand, before spinning her, almost like a father dancing with his daughter.

- That's how the girl spent the next few hours. Dancing, talking, playing. They were friends, in the girl's eyes. They spent that time in the large rooms along the hall, playing pretend and other childish games.

Edited at October 16, 2019 06:50 PM by Keltia Equestrian

What to Call It? - Opinions Welcome

October 16, 2019 06:50 PM

Keltia Equestrian

Posts: 505
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Part 2 so it's not so long :)

- As the hall turned a golden hue, the setting light shining on the silvery floor, the pair sat in a window booth, laughing and playing. The girl's eyes settled on the man's face, who currently lounged against a wall near the window, "What is your name? You have yet to tell me."

- The man was quiet, before responding warily, "Zillah. My name is Zillah, but you can call me anything you like."

- The girl's responding smile was large and genuine, "Pleasure to meet you Zillah. My name is Khione."

- The man smiles back, but quickly looks down to fidget with a small dagger, "Are you my friend?"

- The man's head shot up at her question, "I can't be your friend. It's not proper for a young lady like yourself to been seen around me."

- The girl looks down, tears forming in her silvery eyes. Before she knew it, the man was crouching by her side, his whitish silver hair falling like curtain against his face, "I'm not normal, young queen. I am not like your or your father, or your court friends. I am dangerous, and I live a dangerous life. You don't want to be my friend."

- Khione jumps back quickly as the man looks up, faster than she expected, "Princesses shouldn't be seen with the God of Death. It'd send the wrong messages, my little queen, and that is the last thing you need before you take over. Don't tell anyone about this day." His eyes were dark and cold, a deadly warning, but the color quickly lightened.

- Zillah cringes back at his harsh tone, and he didn't miss that swirling mix of fear and child-like swirling in the girl's eyes as she spoke, "Did you say my?"

- The man's eyebrow rises slightly, admiration taking over at her catch "Did I? I don't think I did."

- Khione's dark brows knit together, her head cocking to the side in confusion, "You said you couldn't be my friend, yet you said 'my'. What do you mean?"

- Before the girl's friend could answer, the bedroom door opens, a voice familiar to Khione sounding off complaint after complaint.

- The frantic lady, draped in a fine lavender gown, grabs the small child's hand quickly, "Nia, thank the Priestess I found you. Come on, you are to see your mother and father for dinner. How are you so filthy? We won't have time for a long bath, but I'll get you clean."

- As she's dragged from the room, Khione looks back for for her friend, but he was gone. With a heavy sigh, the girl gives in and follows the woman.

- The lady talks to herself, shouting back at the child, "Hurry up Nia."

Edited at October 16, 2019 06:52 PM by Keltia Equestrian

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