This will probably get quite long with some spelling and grammar mistakes, but if you have the patience for it, I would appreciate your thoughts. I don't vent often, but sometimes I just can't take it anymore. I don't cry much either, but recently it's a constant urge, and I can't stand crying in front of anyone, so I haven't been able to talk much about these things to the people in my life. When I have, it honestly just feels worse to mention it, because they ask me how they can help and I can't think of a single thing to make it any better. I don't really know where to start, but I'll try to give some backstory.
I've had a lot of mental health trouble over the years. It was horrible, I was barely holding on, but I'm at a point now where I can handle it pretty well when it comes off and on. I'm still not okay, but I am functional, and moving in with my boyfriend has helped so much with the loneliness and despair that, more often than not, I can function contently.
That being said, it seems like whatevers out there in the universe doesn't want that for me. My heart horse, who practically raised me, died in October of 2024, and not a single day goes by that I don't think of her. I picture running my hand through her furry coat again, dream of her off and on, and can't get the image of her dying out in the field out of my damn head. I feel so guilty for not seeing her enough before she died, and I desperately wish I could see her one more time to make sure she knows how much I love her and that she's well, and I cry and cry endlessly when I hear her name or the wrong song comes on, and every time I count the horses in the pen I keep thinking she's still there. Her best friend mare, who I got at the same time and also consider a two-for-one deal as my heart horses, is also getting older and starting to show it. I'm such a wreck after the first loss, I don't know what will happen when I lose her too. I'm trying to spend more time with her to make the most of it and keep her healthy, but it's hard with my schedule.
Which leads into the next issue, which is a lack of time. I've barely been home at all other than to sleep since the 10th grade, between work, school, and other responsibilities. Now I work two part time jobs and I'm almost halfway through my junior year at university working on a BS in pre-health biology. I can't for the life of me get into a veterinary position to gather the nexessary experience for applications, and all I have left in school is heavy courseloads of upper level sciences with lab. I was already so burnt out in high school, now even the simplest 5 minute assignment takes me hours because of the overwhelming dread I feel about coursework, and after I finish this degree I still have another four years of vet school to get through. I am actively procrastinating assignments that are due tonight to write this because, after spending the whole morning procrastinating with cleaning and random tasks, I had a mental breakdown over how much of a failure I feel for not being able to do the thing that "actually matters". There's a deadline, a consequence, and a long-term goal to reach by doing schoolwork, and somehow I feel totally incapable of doing a single thing. I'm paralyzed and it makes me hate myself so much for wanting to quit. I just want to call everything off and take one little second to relax for once in my life, but even with how I feel already, I'm still not doing enough yet to be able to get where I planned to be.
Not to mention the physical health aspect. I have a whole library of random symptoms impeding on every aspect of my life. Between burnout and severe pain, I quit doing everything I once loved, including art, music, marching band, reading, writing, going to the gym or any other form of exercise, riding horses, literally everything. Whenever I feel the spark flickering for one of them, I try, but there's so little time and so much guilt for doing something I want to do instead of the work I have to do. School and even work is harder now, not only due to the pain, stiffness, weakness, tremors, etc., but because I have an increasing inability to focus, think, get my words out, process information, and remember, including random jumps in my memory and consciousness. I thought that I had something that would permanently get worse, like MS, and as much as I said I was "scared" that whatever it is would prevent me from persuing veterinary medicine, part of me was relieved. I was finally struggling enough in a way that wasn't my fault, so much that I could quit without blame. Take time away from everything, then come back to do something quicker and easier. I would always feel shame and a little regret for not going through with my dream of equine veterinary medicine, but maybe for once I'd feel like I could breathe. But no. Despite the stress of scheduling in yet another thing between classes, two jobs, job shadowing, driving my boyfriend to work because we only have one car, and running to my moms house to feed the horses that she's too scared to touch, I was able to get two MRIs scheduled at the hospital ~30 minutes away. The brain was totally normal, but the cervical spine had mild dessication and bulging, and a large, elongated syrinx that extended past the image. Basically, I have a massive cyst of spinal fluid increasing pressure and causing damage to the spine and nerve fibers. I have to go get another MRI on the rest of my spine to learn more and come up with a plan. It's likely that I have scoliosis from it, and some of the potential treatment options are surgical, so if they decide to go that route I will be out of commission for a time. So yes, while that is very bad, there are potential solutions. The only way I have an excuse is if the doctors reeeeally fuck me up, which I obviously don't want. Yes, I am happy that after YEARS someone finally listened and discovered my problem, and as someone who likes to be independently capable, I am glad that my future may not be as limited as I had worried. But part of me is disappointed that I really DO have to keep working this hard, and harder. I can't quit. I'm going to be somewhat fine physically, and I'm over halfway through this degree, so who would I be if I gave up now?
But there's the money issue too. My parents are pouring so much more into me than I ever imagined they could or would be willing to do. They pay for my horses (allbeit bare minimum), they're paying my medical bills that the insurance is being stingy about, they cover what my scholarships don't for my bachelor's, and they'll cover whatever they can for vet school. I am so, so, so expensive. They joke that, since my three older brothers never went to college, that I'm just making up the difference of what they would have paid. My brother cuts me a deal on rent at his place, and my boyfriend pays half of it, and I absolutely hate being someone that they have to adjust to. I'm busy all of the time, and I'm still broke as shit? I can't afford to even pitch in a little bit?
Oh, and if all of that wasn't enough anxiety, I've developed crippling paranoia around health and death. In November of 2025, when me and my boyfriend were long distance, he literally died. He had a myxedema coma, was resuscitated but struggling in the ICU, and I immediately said fuck it to all of my responsibilities and flew out to him, not knowing if I was going there to help him recover or say my goodbyes. He made it through, and I am so incredibly grateful. Still, ever since then, I am so horribly aware of every little thing. If he breathes funny while he's sleeping, I'm wide awake most of the night worrying that he won't wake up. Every time one of us drives somewhere I vividly picture a fatal accident, and if he steps out of the room for too long I imagine every awful scenario possible. I do it for everyone now, every day, and constantly feel the weight of everyone's potential demise. Literally a tiktok video about someone else's misfortune can send me into a spiral now. I was never scared of death before, but I also never saw myself living for very long or imagined a future for myself until now. I finally have something to lose, and desperately want to hold on to it.
I have always been someone that wants to be able to do things myself. I don't want to burden anyone else, and I want to feel capable. Still, time and time again I find myself feeling utterly helpless, and the shame of struggling hurts so much. I need to be doing more but my body is screaming that it's doing too much already. Even if I do get a few days break, I can't relax to save my life. Doing less work is not possible, having more fun takes too much time and money and doesn't end up being fun if I'm worrying about those things (not to mention perfectionism), no matter what I can't think of a single thing to feel any better because the only way any of this goes away is if I give up on my career goal, and I don't know if I or even my family could look at me the same way if I did that. Everything hurts, physically and mentally, and I don't know how much more I can take, but I don't know what I could ever do about it. The overwhelming anxiety, dread, and exhaustion are constant, no matter what. I feel so lost, and that it's all my fault. I'm sure there's more but, as usual, I have some responsibilities to go tend to, so that's all I'll say for now. If you have any thoughts, I'd love to hear them, but I won't hold out for someone to come save me lol. Thanks.
Sunny
