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The past two weeks have not been easy and I have been feeling overwhelmed. My Grandma was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and is expected die in the near future. I feel guilty because I am not sad like everyone else. My Grandma was emotionally abusive and I have suffered a lot of traumatic experiences at her hands. Now that she is dying, friends and family members suddenly want to be involved in her life. They weren't involved when she was healthy and wanted to spend time with them. I was and as a result was abused because I spent the most time with her.
On top of this, I started a new medication for my fibromyalgia and was happy I see almost instantaneous results. In the last two weeks I started experiencing side effects such as chest pain, increased appetite, and weight gain. I am really sensitive about my weight and spent months working on reaching my goal weight. In just two weeks I gained 8 lbs which based on my research is not uncommon with this medication. I am going back to the doctor, but am discouraged because I thought I had found a medication that solved most of my fibromyalgia problems.
Life just feels incredibly unfair right now.
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I'm really sorry to hear about everything with your grandma. That's a really tough position to be in. I hear you though. Your feelings are valid and just because dynamics are changing now doesn't mean that they're worth any less. . Additionally, your weight doesn't define you. I know that it's so so hard to look past what society defines as beautiful and it's something that I myself have struggled with probably since middle school. But what I've realized is that the people who matter won't see me any differently for having belly rolls when I sit down or acne on bad days or a rounder facial shape than I may like. Instead, those people love me for me, without change. Your value and your worth have absolutely nothing to do with your appearance and especially not with your weight. You are inherently beautiful. Bodies change. That's just a part of being human. But that doesn't make you any less worthy or perfect. . Sending hugs and I hope things get better <3 |
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Life is a bitch. However others are now looking after grandma, you can let go that responsibilty and look forward to replacing that time with somthing you want to do. Also there is no guilt for you with granny, you were there when she needed you (ungrateful as she was) and are now able to say byebye with ease. As for the weight gain, I feel it, I feel it. Gem is right we are not defined by what our weight or looks are. But as life long battlers against weight we both understand your desperation. Are you able to get out and walk in the spring fields or gardens? Invite a friend for coffee in a local place you have never tried before. Let in the light. If only tears were full of calories we could slim quicker! Sending love and hope xx |
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Please don't ever judge yourself on how you grieve or do not grieve. Period. We're all individuals and we process a barrage of complex feelings very differently! Of course you're not going to react to her death the same way you would if she had been good and kind and nurturing to you. Just because she's dying doesn't mean you owe her anything. That might sound cold, and maybe it is, but I am estranged from my entire biological family because of similar issues, and I'm not going to compromise my personal morals and self-care standards because someone's about to kick the bucket. |
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I thought I would give an update to anyone who wanted to hear one. My Grandma took a turn for the worse about a week ago and seeing her in this state has given me time to reflect on my relationship with her. My Grandma was adopted into a very abusive family and unfortunately she wasn't able to overcome all of trauma she endured. Despite this, I now realize she overcome a lot to raise my Mom and even me. When my parents got divorced, my Mom had to go into work and my Grandma would watch me during the day. I now realize my feelings of bitterness came from the fact she wasn't able to completely overcome the trauma she experienced as a child, but in my heart, I now feel at peace and have forgiven her because she did overcome A LOT. She wasn't physically abusive like her parents were and her abusive comments came from a place of insecurity that were fueled by her adoptive mother. I know she loved me and did her best. My heart is breaking to lose her, but I glad she will no longer be in pain, physically or emotionally.
Please keep me and my family in your thoughts and prayers. We are losing a big part of our family soon and we are hurting, bad. |
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Overcast and Calm
