I'm making with this post with the hopes that some of my fellow horseback riders might understand what I am feeling and have some words of encouragement.

Two years ago I gave up horseback riding to go to school full-time. My plan was to get back into it when I graduated, but lately I've been struggling with thoughts and feelings of inadequacy due to some negative experiences I've had. It's a long story, but to keep it short, some of these experiences include:

• Buying a horse that ended up severely injuring my trainer when he spooked
• Being scammed $1000 by a prominent trainer who claimed she was training my horse when she wasn't (I had video footage proving this)
• Being shamed for not being able to afford expensive tack
• Selling my horse because he was too spooky for me to ride and I didn't feel safe
• Not getting my dream job at a therapy riding center as an instructor
• Leasing a wonderful horse and having the owner blame me for missing tack and other random things (I used my own tack)
• Having a trainer, I really looked up to yell at me for performing an emergency stop on my horse because he crow hopped and I panicked and was worried he was going to take off with me

All these experiences have made me feel like I will never be a good rider because I'm not rich enough and I suffer from anxiety. My anxiety impacts me day-to-day and unfortunately it shows up in my riding. I can't just stop feeling anxious on command like my trainers in the past have told me.

I know through experience some horses are able to ignore my anxiety, but others aren't and I feel like a bad rider because of it. I also feel turned off by the toxic people in the horse community.

I'm worried about re-entering the horse world only to have my heart broken again by being shamed for my anxiety or inability to afford expensive items.

My only hope is that I took a couple months of lessons at a barn that didn't make my anxiety feel like a character flaw and focused on groundwork which I realized eased both my anxiety and the anxiety of the horses I worked with.

Should I keep working towards my goal of re-entering the horse world? Or should I cut my losses and find another hobby?

I've had my own fair share of bad experiences with people in the horse world, what it truly comes down to is this; is this a passion for you? If it's not, then maybe going back to horses isn't worth it for your mental health. But if it is, go back. Do it. Anything that you love should be worth fighting for, or through, in this instance. Anxiety won't go away completely but it's something that can be mitigated by riding again and putting yourself out there with new trainers. If being around horses is something that you want, just do it. I've lost friendships and great opportunities in my life because of anxiety and I kick myself for letting it get in the way. You'll always have bad experiences with people in general, that's just life and it's unfortunate but you live and you learn.

It sounds like this is more a product of a toxic environment rather than you truly not wanting to ride. I would try and find a supportive and kind environment you feel comfortable in if you do feel you still love the horses. It isn't worth it to put yourself around people who don't respect you, and if they treat you that way imagine how they're treating the horses. Like Chateau said, if this is a passion, I would put your energy towards finding a supportive group. If it's not, that's fine too, but you have to determine that for yourself. The situation seems more like a personal confidence issue stemming from negative influences rather than that you're not passionate about it, and it would be unfortunate for you to give it up because of others who themselves are probably insecure in their identity and using you as a way to get an artificial source of justificiation of their identity.