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My first lease horse and honestly heart horse was put down on Monday. I've been too busy with school to hang out with him lately (I stopped leasing him a year and a half ago, and he was retired), and I feel so so so guilty that I've lost this whole year with him because I thought I had more time. I knew that it was soonish that he'd be put down, like the next couple of years type thing, but that couldve been one or event 5+ or more. He was 20 ish I believe. It was a sudden thing where the owner and vet just made the decision due to some long standing leg/knee pain he's had forever and had suddenly gotten much worse. I wasn't there, didn't know it was happening or even close, and recieved a text later. I understand all that and I'm not too upset about the owners decision, but I can't stop thinking that I lost so much time. I barely brushed him or took him out this summer because I mentally wasn't feeling up to the barn. Hell, I only saw him once a week/every two weeks lately when I'd come out for a lesson. Now I'm left feeling like I should have spent more time with him, I should've done more, I should've remember to bring him treats, I should've done that photoshoot I wanted to do two years ago but kept putting off because I'm busy and I find it hard to plan things. I don't know how to stop feeling this way. I broke down about it then but luckily I've kept it together the past few days until now when I was going through my camera roll adding all his photos to an album, which apparently was too much. I don't even know what to do because I've already not done my schoolwork the past few days, and since I have two midterms next week, I can't afford to loose any time. I have reminders of him everywhere, a picture my friend drew of him in my bathroom, the coolers/halters/saddlepads I bought for him are in my room, the first stall in the barn was his, his halters stil hanging on the wall, my wallpapers on phone/iPad/laptop are of him, etc. hell I even put Whizs portrait of him in my bio the day he passed because he needed to be on here too. I don't know if that's a good thing but I cant bear trying to make him disappear, even if the reminders hurt. A new horse was put in his stall on Tuesday which I'm grateful for because seing it empty was not good. Despite leasing another horse for the past two years he was still my favourite boy, I always said that if I had the land/money/time I would've bought him and kept him as my little pasture puff. |
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He sounds like an amazing boy and I'm so sorry for your loss ❤️
But you have to know that it wasn't your fault. Recently, my rabbit passed away. He was the absolute best boy. When I first got him, he was kind of skittish and not very well socialized. I had him for about 4 years and he turned into the cuddliest, sweetest rabbit who loved any sort of scratches and would just lean into your hand for attention. But then last year, I moved away for college. He died about a month ago to some sort of colic, we're still not entirely sure. And I hate feeling like maybe if I had been there, I could have done something. Or maybe I could have noticed something sooner and he would have been okay. But even if I had been there that day, I still lost over a year with him because of college. And I effing hate that. I'm honestly trying really hard not to cry as I type this instead of working on my research proposal (and failing). No matter what, I'm sure he still loved you so much. And horses are so so so smart. He would have understood that you weren't doing okay mentally somedays and he would have forgiven you. So of course don't forget him. But it's okay to give yourself some grace and it's okay to continue with your life. You still have responsibilites and, as much as they suck, they can help ground you and help you move forward. Be sure to remember him with gratitude and joy. Not regret. |
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Oh my gosh I'm so sorry Sage!! I know what it's like to loose your heart horse suddenly, and he sounds like he was an amazing boy <3 don't let that guilt weigh you down, you couldn't have known what was coming, and I know he knew he was loved. I lost my heart horse about 2.5 years ago, and it really hit me hard. Just know that it's okay to cry, to breakdown, don't bottle up your feelings, but don't let the guilt of what could've been taint those happy memories <3 |
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Moderator |
I'm so sorry for your loss. As someone who's had horses for 27 years, I know the space they take up in your life. The last of our original herd of 6 passed away in January. Of those, one was my heart horse and was taken far too soon. You'll remember every detail of their life, their death, things you wanted to do or didn't do. It'll be hard. Honor him by learning from your mistakes and achievements together. Use those lessons. Make new memories and know you'll always remember him. |
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Thank you guys ❤️❤️❤️, I'm sorry for your losses as well ❤️🩹 |
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Oh, love. I don't think there's ever a "getting over it". Healing takes time, but you'll always have a special place in your heart for your precious baby, and therefore getting over it just isn't a thing. Cry for him as much as you need. Ever since I was a little kid and I lost my first kitty, I was told that tears are gifts to show how much you care. Over time, your heart starts to feel better. All we can do is keep loving, you know? Talk about the happy memories, how much you love him, but understand that the love never truly leaves. You'll always love him. Just eventually, it won't hurt as bad. Just let it all out. You're a human, not a machine. <3 But eventually, he'd want you to be able to think of him and feel joy, happy memories. |
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Moderator |
I'm so sorry for your loss. If you find yourself spiraling with sad thoughts, try to consciously stop them and replace them with good memories instead. Carry everything he taught you with you <3 |
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What everyone else has said is very true. I don't know how applicable this may be to you, but I figure it's worth mentioning. I was in the same situation a year ago. My mare practically raised me. She was my first, my oldest, and my absolute sweetest. I learned so much from her, not only about horses, but also about myself and my view of life. We were inseperable when we were younger. I regret that I only saw her a handful of times in the last couple years of her life. Her death was brutal and unexpected, and it was only when I said goodbye that I realised how much time I had wasted without her. I felt that I owed her so much more than she got in the end. That pain can consume you if you let it. I don't say that to steal the show, of course, but to tell you I get it. No matter what anyone says or how long it's been, you'll always feel like you should have done more. It was only within the last couple months that I became able to talk about it without crying. But like others have said, having something to cry about means you had something important, and horses are very emotionally intuitive. My girl did everything to comfort me when I was sad, and I know if she's ever looking down on me now, she's still trying to. I didn't know yours, but I'm sure in his own way he'd do the same. What has helped me through all of this is to do something in her name. Something that reminds you of him or something he may have taught you in your time together. For me personally, that's something big; I'm going to school to be an equine veterinarian. I can't change the past, but I can change other people's/animals' futures. In your case, that would likely be something less all-consuming. Maybe volunteering or teaching? I don't know you personally, so that would be for you to decide. Whatever it is, I feel like trying to "get over it" hurts a lot more than letting it push me forward. I love integrating her into my life, it keeps her spirit alive in some way. However you end up handling this, I truly wish you the best. It does not go away, but I think that's a good thing. It definitely gets easier, just don't rush it. They deserve the tears we shed, because that means we cared, and you deserve the time to process and grieve. |
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Partly Cloudy with Afternoon Drizzle
