I just need to vent here. I will try to phrase things as best I can to keep it appropriate.
A few weeks ago I found out my boyfriend was viewing and downloading certain media. I was devastated, and very hurt because I had been through a lot with my ex husband including this very same behavior.
Naturally I started comparing myself, my self esteem tanked (it was already bad). I know for some it isn't a huge deal. But when you have gone through what I have, it's easy to see why it is a big issue.
I confronted him about it the next day and he seemed sorry. He told me we had had a conversation about it and that I'd said it didn't bother me. I recall this conversation vaguely; I'd had a bit to sip on and it was also almost 2 years ago. So I told him that while I did say that then, it bothered me a lot more than I thought at the time. We are allowed to change our boundaries. He told me he was sorry. He held me as I sobbed and told me he would stop.
A few days later, after lots of overthinking and being in my head, I went snooping again. The damage was done and I felt the need to play detective. I found so much more. Up to and including him paying for things. This was an issue especially, because he consistently told me that he didn't want to spend money going out and doing things together, everything was so expensive, etc.
This and the discoveries of similar nature over the next few days, prompted huge arguments. I'm normally quite calm and easygoing - to a fault at times. But I was so wound up, so hurt, I was not myself. I felt insane. And then my reaction to the problem became the problem. He took no accountability for his actions.
Without going on too long, I will sum up the rest as this: he has not changed his actions. He has shown no true remorse. He told me he doesn't get why it's such a big deal, its just _____. When he has seen me crying, he asks whats wrong, and I say "the same thing I have been upset about. I'm not going to get in another argument." Last time this happened his response was to scoff, and say "Okay" in a dismissive tone.
He can't wrap his head around it. Or he won't.
I know what I have to do and I have plans in place. But it hurts so bad. We weren't perfect, but I thought we were going to get married. I was willing to work on our other issues.
I'm realizing now I was in love with his potential, who he could be. The man I imagined in my head. And even though he continually failed to show promise of becoming that man, I lied to myself and believed it was possible. I would have worked through things with him. If after that first confrontation, he had accepted he had a problem, and showed that he wanted to be better and change for the good of our relationship and for himself, MAYBE we could have had a chance.
At some point a couple months ago I prayed that if he wasn't meant to be with me, that God would show me that. And I truly believe this is the answer to that prayer, as horribly painful as it is.
I just hate that for the second time I have been betrayed like this. I am trying to have hope that one day I will meet a man who truly loves and respects me. But I worry that I am so messed up and broken that I will push them away with my issues.
It's a dark time for me right now and my heart is hurting so so badly. I'm just trying to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel.
Bright Sunshine with a few High Clouds
